CONTRADICTION

Life journal 6

Head or heart? I have been asking myself that questions for years…

Many people tell you to follow your heart. I sometimes tell others to do the same thing. But when it comes to my own self, it’s always like a battle between my heart and my head, and the between right and wrong…

I don’t know why, but there is always a kind of invisible force inside my mind that always leads me to a lot of “heartless” decisions. Every time I do something so stupid, I ask myself “Why did I even do so?”, but I never figured out the answer, even until now. My head and my heart always clash with each other. It seems like an endless fight, and most of the time my head will win. Maybe I value my pride too much to do what is right in some occasions. Even knowing that I would regret it later and also would likely to hurt both sides, I still do it, no matter what…

Back then, I wanted to lock my heart away. I thought that I would be less miserable without these emotions standing in the way. I think I still want to do so sometimes now. I wish to become a robot even, or something that could rid myself of feelings. It sounds so idiotic and selfish every time I look at it, but I have never given up on that wish, despite knowing that without emotions at all, life would become a haft-empty water glass. However, without them, I won’t feel anymore pain, as least mentally, for the cost of the feeling of happiness…

Maybe I should give my heart a chance and see how it goes sometimes…

[ Cover picture belongs to its rightful owner ]

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